birth means death, death means birth

i am fearful of new beginnings if for no other reason than i know it's darker side. i am a believer in the laws of physics that say no energy is ever lost, but is transferred from one thing to another. i think our ancestors knew this truth before some white man put it on paper when they said that when a child is born someone dies. they don't have to happen simultaneously, but expect one or the other when one is happening.

my god sister (whose mother died in 2004, who was my god mother) is having a baby boy and is 38 weeks and dilating.

my dad called me this morning to say my uncle died.

Some of you know more about my uncle than you think. Those in CC and heard me talking about this idea of a turtle, or of a family member who was sick, whose legs were in need of being amputated because the body was rejecting him. and i thought it was karma, how you take things away from people and people get things taken away from them., how despite all the shady things this man has done to my father and our family my dad still loved him if for no other reason than it was the last bit of blood he had.

now my dad is the last male dameron who had no sons.

i am the last dameron.

i say that, too, because i am selfish. i am extremely selfish and part of my mourning comes from the fact that i made efforts to go and see people over christmas break, but i did not go see my uncle. i was scared and selfish and have an unspeakable fear of hospitals. so i didn't go, despite my father telling me i should. and iknew my decision would have reprecussions. this isn't the first time it has happened as such -- my family urging me to see someone, and i refuse for my own selfish reasons, and then they die while i'm away and there's nothing i can do about it.

and too, i knew it coming up here. my family basically saying 'why are you moving away so far when you know there are people here sick' and my response was "i've been around death all my life, and have been making decisions on my life based on that fear of death and dying." moving this far away was acknowledging the fact that someone(s) was going to die but that i needed to make the moves. again, its selfish of me, and again i have this void that says it will never feel closed. the last time i saw my uncle he was holding two brand new babies and smiling and i thought, maybe, maybe he had been given a reason to live, because he was well enough then to adopt twin boys, jacob and zachary.

but he's gone now. and two adopted boys will be brought up fatherless, again. and my father has lost his last living blood to kidney failure and how the body protests itself over and over. and my father has lost all of his family before he's even turned 50. and all he ever wants to do in his life, he's explained, is do what his father never did and make it to 50. and i want him to have higher goals, because i'm afraid that that's all he has left to live for right now. and he'll have surpassed that goal next february.

and my body knew something was being taken away in the universe. i always feel bad for no reason right before something happens in my life. the past couple of days have been unusually depressing, and i succumbed to that pull and retreated and realized the city is the wrong place to be lonely and thought thoughts that i shouldn't have, and was thinking about death, not for me, but just death in general, and it was preparing me. my father called me this morning and i knew it. it's interesting how i've come to be a professional bad-news-hearer. how to suppress your initial want for outbreak and outcry to ensure the bearer is all right, that they don't need anything, is there anything i can do? but i'm six states away and i dont have the money right now to go down there and it sucks, and i'm stranded on an island by myself, unable to grieve correctly because if it's another thing -- i hate crying in front of people, and my roommate and i are not to the point wher ei feel comfortable enough to share that side of me. so i have to keep on like nothing's missing, like there isn't some big hole in the universe waiting to be filled.

but, i am waiting on a call from my cousin/god sister announcing her son's birth.