I was supposed to be driving down the Eastern Seaboard today. But the potential threat of ice and the fact that my car is still covered with snow is keeping me here. Hopefully I will be out and about and on the road headed south tomorrow.
So I figured I'd spend today thinking about this year, this 2008. This is possibly my last day in New York City in 2008, and what a ride it has been.
Because I'm a dork and like reviewing things, I'll do a bit of a recap:
January -- I remember coming back from my Christmas holiday in SC and sitting with my old friend in her Brooklyn apartment, and saying, "I feel like I need to celebrate this new year." They looked at me crazy. I said, "I mean, I feel like this year is going to be big." So we celebrated. I started a new job teaching high schoolers and mentoring and educating learners in NYC. AWP was in NYC. I celebrated my birthday with a huge Cave Canem reading. I remember folks seeing me there and multiple times people telling me, "You have this glow about you", and one friend saying "After all you've been through, you must be about to be handed something big."
February -- I don't really remember much about February. I was hanging deep with this fellow that I liked, but probably shouldn't have liked. But I was living and working. The end of February, I got this call to put my manuscript back into the world.
March -- The end of March I hit a valley. Progress happens like that. You get knocked down so then you have nothing else to do but to build yourself back up. I remember having a conversation with a friend. I was in tears. But I said -- "I have this feeling in my gut that after all of this, I'm about to be handed something great"
April -- Rough patch coping with the fellow. I remember feeling underappreciated at work. I remember resigning and preparing myself to head back to South Carolina. I was building a life there, getting ready to abandon the Northeast and all of it's issues. Then I had my review, and realized all of my hard work was being recognized. I got the raise I desired. I went home for a week, and the prize announcement for the competition my manuscript was entered into was the same week I was home. I was able to go there and be in the presence of Elizabeth Alexander when she announced that she picked my book as the winner.
May -- What I remember most about May is the euphoria of knowing my writing will be in the world in a big way soon. I remember thinking, maybe I should stick NYC out. I remember writing in my journal: "I want to conquer NYC"...and I changed my mindset of being on the defense to being on the offense, and a whole world opened up as soon as I changed my mind about how I would be interacting with this city.
June -- I moved into my "impossible" apartment in NYC. In a conversation I had with a friend last week, he commented, "You sure have a lot of boundaries for things you want." And it was sort of off-handed, like, how dare you keep saying "I don't want this" etc etc. And then I thought about it, and I agreed. And I said, "That's the only way I get exactly what I want." I remember thinking, "If I were to move into NYC, I want to live in Manhattan, I don't want to pay a certain amount of money, I don't want to live with a complete stranger, I want to live in Harlem, and I don't want to look for the apartment." I call it the impossible apartment, because that seems like an impossible feat. A friend called me to ask what would keep me in the city. I told her exactly what I wanted and didn't want. She said, "My roommate is moving out, and I wanted you to be the first to know." So I moved into my impossible apartment...which had everything I wanted.
Also in June, I started Bikram Yoga, which, changed my life. I finished my last year as a Cave Canem Fellow. And walked into the world.
July -- All of July was spent in isolation. I spent the month in Connecticut at the Soul Mountain retreat, writing and sleeping and dreaming.
August -- was interesting because I was in this weird place where I wasn't sure when work would start back up, and I had just taken two months off without pay and was still paying to live in a NYC apartment. I spent a lot of time in my apartment writing and sending work out and preparing myself. My wise friend said, when I was worried that I was deteriorating, that, "I think it's smart. You are resting up before your book comes out. I wish I had done that."
Sept--October. I don't really remember too many specific things about this period except, I decided that I needed mini vacations away from the city. I spent many sundays upstate or away or just out and about not really worrying or doing anything of any importance. Getting to know friends on a deeper level. There was the Election frenzy and worry about the results, and getting frustrated at "friends" comments and postings and trying to figure out how they will factor into my life after November. I bought a bed in October, and realized that act was prooving that I was settling into, taking on the city. A lot of things went crazy for a bit after that.
But maybe I should take my lessons from Bikram Yoga. It's the only yoga I've practiced, really. But I remember when I first started and committed myself, there were positions that I could not do, indeed, they were painful. But you're taught to breathe through the discomfort, and soon enough your body will adjust and you'll feel this click, and somehow I can make my forehead touch my knee while standing up, or make my body bend in almost a 90 degree angle to the right or left. So. What I mean by all of this, is that, I had to breathe through the hard, uncomfortable stuff. And here I am, doing what I thought I never could do.
November -- election, thanksgiving. I met a new friend, which caused me to stretch my boundaries, and apply what i want and don't want to personal relationships. I decided in that month, too, to stop self-sabotaging my life, and get my act together and apply to grad school again. I spent that month still in tears, still trying to wrap my mind around this life I'm in right now, and prepare for my book in the Spring.
December -- I decided that I don't have time in my life for sadness. Again, taking the offense on your life totally changes your perspective and how you deal with things. Immediately I found some happiness. I did much celebrating before I turned in my application to grad school, and that took away some of the edge, some of the fret. No matter what happens, it's the offensive play that makes me proud. And here I am, at the end of the year, and so excited...sooo excited about 2009, I can hardly contain myself.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
The Alchemist
After Sunday's celebration, I decided on Monday that I still needed to celebrate. That is, the day before I take the GRE. I went to my friend's house (the person who I started these "celebrations with") and we ate dinner then popped a bottle of champagne and toasted the things we want to see happen soon.
She has been reading Paulo Coelho books for some time now. You should know this is significant because she is not a reader! So anyways. This other book I've been reading mentioned "The Alchemist" a couple of times and then someone else around me talked about it, so I figured it was time for me to check it out. That's how I discover some things -- if it is brought to my attention from separate worlds, then I figure there is some importance on it in my life and I should investigate it. So I asked my friend while I was at her house if I could borrow her book. She agreed. I rode the local train from brooklyn to harlem and read. The next morning I had to go back to brooklyn for the GRE. I read the book down, and back up and finished it last night. So basically a day and a train ride later.
It's an interesting book. It's called "a story about following your dreams" and in a way, that is exactly what it is. It was perfect for me to read it at this juncture in my life....in this cross between straddling uncertainty and just flinging myself into the wind and see what happens. Or, like an earlier post, taking to the sky and taking my traveling hints from the birds. Animals seem to know much more about life and living than I think we give them credit for. The Alchemist highlights that same sentiment -- showing that we over look the powers in the natural world to teach us what we need to know about living and life.
She has been reading Paulo Coelho books for some time now. You should know this is significant because she is not a reader! So anyways. This other book I've been reading mentioned "The Alchemist" a couple of times and then someone else around me talked about it, so I figured it was time for me to check it out. That's how I discover some things -- if it is brought to my attention from separate worlds, then I figure there is some importance on it in my life and I should investigate it. So I asked my friend while I was at her house if I could borrow her book. She agreed. I rode the local train from brooklyn to harlem and read. The next morning I had to go back to brooklyn for the GRE. I read the book down, and back up and finished it last night. So basically a day and a train ride later.
It's an interesting book. It's called "a story about following your dreams" and in a way, that is exactly what it is. It was perfect for me to read it at this juncture in my life....in this cross between straddling uncertainty and just flinging myself into the wind and see what happens. Or, like an earlier post, taking to the sky and taking my traveling hints from the birds. Animals seem to know much more about life and living than I think we give them credit for. The Alchemist highlights that same sentiment -- showing that we over look the powers in the natural world to teach us what we need to know about living and life.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Won't You Celebrate With Me?
Won't You Celebrate With Meby Lucille Clifton
won't you celebrate with me
what i have shaped into
a kind of life? i had no model.
born in babylon
both nonwhite and woman
what did i see to be except myself?
i made it up
here on this bridge between
starshine and clay,
my one hand holding tight
my other hand; come celebrate
with me that everyday
something has tried to kill me
and has failed.
This is an oft-quoted poem. But I never get tired of it, ever. I believe in its message. Especially the end "come celebrate/with me that everyday/something has tried to kill me/and has failed." Considering the last couple of weeks, considering the last couple of battles I've had with self and career and purpose...Those words really hit home.
There's this thing I started at the beginning of the year. I had just come back from a couple of weeks at home and felt a little weary about my future in the Northeast, and what work I was going to be doing, and about writing and life. I decided that in 2008 my motto would be "It's a new year and I'm a grown ass woman." I also remember this one night at a friend's house in Brooklyn, I got this feeling to celebrate. I was like, "I feel like we should celebrate in advance what this year is going to bring". They kind of looked at me like I was crazy. And nodded their head. I said, "I think this is going to be an amazing year and I should just celebrate in advance."
So, that's what I did. I celebrated. And things in a lot of ways just sort of fell into place. So I continued that tradition and found reason to celebrate, and often...and blessings just kept coming.
Today I'm having some friends over to "celebrate"....sort of close out the year, celebrate people in my life...celebrate the gifts we're about to receive and open up the new 2009 year, which I feel is going to be even more amazing than this one. Yep.
Won't you celebrate with me today?
won't you celebrate with me
what i have shaped into
a kind of life? i had no model.
born in babylon
both nonwhite and woman
what did i see to be except myself?
i made it up
here on this bridge between
starshine and clay,
my one hand holding tight
my other hand; come celebrate
with me that everyday
something has tried to kill me
and has failed.
This is an oft-quoted poem. But I never get tired of it, ever. I believe in its message. Especially the end "come celebrate/with me that everyday/something has tried to kill me/and has failed." Considering the last couple of weeks, considering the last couple of battles I've had with self and career and purpose...Those words really hit home.
There's this thing I started at the beginning of the year. I had just come back from a couple of weeks at home and felt a little weary about my future in the Northeast, and what work I was going to be doing, and about writing and life. I decided that in 2008 my motto would be "It's a new year and I'm a grown ass woman." I also remember this one night at a friend's house in Brooklyn, I got this feeling to celebrate. I was like, "I feel like we should celebrate in advance what this year is going to bring". They kind of looked at me like I was crazy. And nodded their head. I said, "I think this is going to be an amazing year and I should just celebrate in advance."
So, that's what I did. I celebrated. And things in a lot of ways just sort of fell into place. So I continued that tradition and found reason to celebrate, and often...and blessings just kept coming.
Today I'm having some friends over to "celebrate"....sort of close out the year, celebrate people in my life...celebrate the gifts we're about to receive and open up the new 2009 year, which I feel is going to be even more amazing than this one. Yep.
Won't you celebrate with me today?
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
final stretch
these next two weeks will test me in many ways. i am planning on sending off my packet of stuff for grad school tomorrow. next tuesday i take my GRE exam. i am supposed to be grading 32 papers of high school persuasive essays and prepare to head south - finally - for the winter. it's like i'm migrating or something
maybe i am. maybe we should take our living and movements from the birds. they move on instinct. they move when it's time to move. i like watching bodies of birds fly. in the city, it's an interesting thing to watch. the high buildings create this kind of circular air, and sometimes, you'll find the birds moving and switching left and right, gliding and switching between the buildings above the streets. they turn and turn and don't run into each other. they turn and turn and at some point there is a movement and they fly out and on and still together, still in formation.
or like how they know when to go south when the north gets rough, and so on. they just know. they don't have books and timetables to follow. they can't get weather forecasts on their mobile devices. they just feel it, in the air. and they move accordingly.
i used to say my own movement was like a dandelion spur/spore. the kind when the dandelion changes to the white ball of seeds. i used to make wishes on them. i don't remember any of the wishes, but i knew that if you picked one up and blew it and could blow the whole thing off in one breath, your wish would come true. my life was one of those spores blown into the world by someone else's wishes, i used to think. but now, i like the idea of the birds and their intuition. their movement...how the gull comes inland when a storm approaches. how they pick up disparate parts to build their nest. innovative and knowing. they do it by feeling.
i would like to live less calculated like that. just feeling my way through.
maybe i am. maybe we should take our living and movements from the birds. they move on instinct. they move when it's time to move. i like watching bodies of birds fly. in the city, it's an interesting thing to watch. the high buildings create this kind of circular air, and sometimes, you'll find the birds moving and switching left and right, gliding and switching between the buildings above the streets. they turn and turn and don't run into each other. they turn and turn and at some point there is a movement and they fly out and on and still together, still in formation.
or like how they know when to go south when the north gets rough, and so on. they just know. they don't have books and timetables to follow. they can't get weather forecasts on their mobile devices. they just feel it, in the air. and they move accordingly.
i used to say my own movement was like a dandelion spur/spore. the kind when the dandelion changes to the white ball of seeds. i used to make wishes on them. i don't remember any of the wishes, but i knew that if you picked one up and blew it and could blow the whole thing off in one breath, your wish would come true. my life was one of those spores blown into the world by someone else's wishes, i used to think. but now, i like the idea of the birds and their intuition. their movement...how the gull comes inland when a storm approaches. how they pick up disparate parts to build their nest. innovative and knowing. they do it by feeling.
i would like to live less calculated like that. just feeling my way through.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Workshop
Saturday a great friend of mine celebrated the launch of her book, Canticle of Idols. You should buy it on Amazon.com right now.
I read Saturday with other poets to help push the work into the world. It was a great time. A new friend came and was able to see what I do. I was able to be who I am becoming.
Also on Saturday night I was asked to lead a workshop on Sunday. The Acentos Foundation holds these weekly workshops in east Harlem. They are free and open to the public. They have some amazing people coming through weekly. The person scheduled for Sunday canceled and I was asked to fill in. I agreed.
This meant, however, that I had to come up with a 2 hour workshop. I didn't make it home until 1:30am and needed to leave my apartment by 10:30a to make it to the east side by bus with a few minutes to prepare. Lucky for me, I bought this book on a whim. It's called "One year to a writing life". Granted, it doesn't have the kind of words I need at this juncture in my career, it did, however, have snippets here and there that I could splice and mix into a workshop.
I couldn't decided between Odes or Prose Poems. I printed out poems for both. But I decided to go with a workshop on Odes. I wrote down my plan on the bus over there, and said a little prayer that it would go over well, and my! The poems produced in those 2 hours were amazing. I was so happy to be a midwife to these babies.
I came home and decided I need to start building more. My empire. I typed up the plan. I will probably type up other plans.
I am also thinking about other ways (like last post) to create my writing footprint on the world. This includes taking a big leap from a former teacher who said that poets can't just be poets in this day. While preparing to send off grad school applications, I have been writing some prose - in addition to the book reviews - and hope to find homes for this new body of work as well.
I read Saturday with other poets to help push the work into the world. It was a great time. A new friend came and was able to see what I do. I was able to be who I am becoming.
Also on Saturday night I was asked to lead a workshop on Sunday. The Acentos Foundation holds these weekly workshops in east Harlem. They are free and open to the public. They have some amazing people coming through weekly. The person scheduled for Sunday canceled and I was asked to fill in. I agreed.
This meant, however, that I had to come up with a 2 hour workshop. I didn't make it home until 1:30am and needed to leave my apartment by 10:30a to make it to the east side by bus with a few minutes to prepare. Lucky for me, I bought this book on a whim. It's called "One year to a writing life". Granted, it doesn't have the kind of words I need at this juncture in my career, it did, however, have snippets here and there that I could splice and mix into a workshop.
I couldn't decided between Odes or Prose Poems. I printed out poems for both. But I decided to go with a workshop on Odes. I wrote down my plan on the bus over there, and said a little prayer that it would go over well, and my! The poems produced in those 2 hours were amazing. I was so happy to be a midwife to these babies.
I came home and decided I need to start building more. My empire. I typed up the plan. I will probably type up other plans.
I am also thinking about other ways (like last post) to create my writing footprint on the world. This includes taking a big leap from a former teacher who said that poets can't just be poets in this day. While preparing to send off grad school applications, I have been writing some prose - in addition to the book reviews - and hope to find homes for this new body of work as well.
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