homecoming

so my kids in nyc are on spring break. i decided that i needed some fresh air (literally and figuratively) from nyc and nj and everything around it, so i decided to come home. i should say, too, it's mostly because i was homesick and didn't want to admit it, but now being home, i'm realizing it really was mostly being homesick, missing the people who love me most, and being around family.

i'm saddened by the number of times i blog somewhere about a death in my life/family. i had another relative pass away while i was home. i can't say i didn't know it was coming. i sort of felt it. i felt it in my bones, in an unexplainable feeling i get when i feel the universe shift. it happens that i feel like crap and then the answer reveals itself. so another family member is gone, and there's this void...ut it's interesting how a void builds a bond. how the maintenance of the universe works so that because no energy is ever lost, there is a building when there is a destroying, and each family member is filling in the certain spaces, the voids.

it's also interesting to see how my role in the family shifts as i come home each time, or during a time of duress. my father is the rock. i am the pebble by the rock. they look to me to keep everything together, to be strong. it's interesting: here i am strong (by here i mean my current location, home, SC). when i'm away, i'm increasingly weak. Perhaps the strength is in family.

it is. i miss it. i almost don't want to go back to new jersey.