bloody tuesday

i have a really good friend who is about to leave the country for two years and i miss her so much already i can't bear to really speak to her. how do you say, i dont want you to go, without sounding selfish, or foolish, without crying, and really meaning it?

good news, bad news: i applied to several residencies over the past couple of weeks. i heard from one with a slim envelope in the mail. the famed slim envelope. it was a no. i'm on the phone with my friend preparing my pity party for the night and check my e-mail and received notification that i had been invite to go to connecticut to this residence, soul mountain, and live for two weeks, in the mountainous woods, and write. just write. that is all that is expected of me. to write.

i won't even go into the details of the bus accident i was in last night and how it's scared me to travel at the mercy of strangers on a daily basis.

but i will say i had an interview today for this job that i wanted, and i woke up tihs morning to move my car, and my battery was dead, and this resulted in a phone call to my dad who is six states away and basically told me i needed to settle down that i was a pinball in a pinball machine, moved and governed only by gravity, that getting this residency was nothing; that i need to learn that even though i'm given something doesn't mean i should take it, and that i need to look into realistic goals and real-time charting of my life.

basically he said everything i'm working towards is bullshit.

basically he said that nothing matters.

basically

he said that i had gotten a degree and was bullshitting my life away.

so i get chewed out by my dad while i'm stranded on the side of the road with a dead battery and a car that i hate and i'm being called by people asking me for money that i don't have, and i think of all of the shit i have to do within the hour to prepare for my interview that i really want, which includes printing up some of my publications and copying clips from the newspaper where i was published, and riding into town on an empty stomach save the half a cup of coffee i drank before i had the car debacle, and i scarf down a bagel before my interview, and totally blow my interview and think i'm really an idiot and left the place thinking they'll never call me back here again and everything just sounded like it came out in a scramble like the teacher from peanuts.

then i hop on the train and run to work, only to sit face to face with this person i want to be mad at but can't be mad at in my own way because, well, i work with them, and i'm forced to talk to them, and that gives me a headache, that i can't process my anger in the way i know how to, by isolation, and then this other co-worker is ignoring me and being a bitch, and these are the people i had to put down as my references to this job that i just applied for, and everything is spinning in this head of mine and i'm lonely in the city and want to go somewhere, but i can't go home because then my dad will say i'm not doing anything, and i'll be sitting in my parent's house with a 30k degree

and i think: i haven't had a good crying day. and i think: i need to excise a lot of people in my life. and i think: that would make me really lonely. and i think: but i'm already lonely, the way people are entering and exiting so quickly in my life. and i think: it feels good to cry sometimes. and i think: but crying feels bad, i'm not strong when i cry. i should be strong. i am a strong woman, i'm told. i am strong. i am crying on the street two blocks from my house and it is 10:00 pm and i forced myself to eat something for dinner though i didn't want it, and i walked 1.5 miles while talking to a friend on the phone and we lost connection and i felt lonely again, to not be able to talk to someone, and i think: the world is crashing in on my head and i wasn't even prepared.

every day a little closer

that is my mantra. i believe it. i believe it like i believe i am a grown ass woman, and that i deserve so much more than what i currently have, too, but that i don't deserve what i've been given.

what do i mean? every day i find i'm a little closer to achieving things i've always wanted. to getting the beautiful things i've hoped for for a while now. not only do i feel it, but i see the universe and the sky open up in ways before me that it never has before, or that i never noticed before. each day i find i have an opportunity to take more and more, each day brings with it the possibility and potential of amazingness. i dont mean to be vague, but just know that i have some good, good news brewing. and i'm celebrating now, for this good news coming, it's coming, and i'm coming to it, everyday i'm a little closer.